It saddens me that I even wasted time on feeling so bad all the time over stupid things.
I mean, I let that relationship consume my life, as I do a lot of things.
Couldnt even put those stupid couple pictures on facebook or gleam about how happy I was.
Meh.
Maybe that was for the better.
I would have looked way more stupid having suddenly deleted those.
On the bright side, I made pie today. Woo. Go me.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Thanks.
Remember that Christina Agulara song "Thank You/Stronger"?
Yeah..I dont want to either.
But she had a point in singing about how her recent breakup changed her, and how she became a better person for it.
It's hard for me not to feel hurt and alone these days, but to counter those feelings, I want to write out a list saying Thank You to my ex:
Snezhana Bavykina, Thank You For:
1. Taking care of me when I was sick.
I get sick alot and my periods are just hell. Thank you for bringing me water, pain meds, and an occasional fluffy ferret to ease the cramps.
2. Bringing me Flowers.
Yes, I know both times were out of guilt, but still, I love flowers. I'm a sucker for romantic crap like that, and my (un)birthday was great. Even if it was all just a guilt thing.
3. Holding my hand in public.
Again, not sure if this was more just an attention thing, but it still felt nice for a girl not to be (visibly) ashamed to be with me. In Calgary, that would never happen.
4. Showing me how much crap I put up with.
Holy christ! I MUST get more respect for myself!
5. Making me feel warm and loved.
Even if it was a short period of time.
6. Letting me into your home when you barely knew me.
Okay, 2011 was a bum year. I didnt have my own room until the beginning of 2012.
I was living with some not-so-nice people I thought were my friends, and after the third potential roommate bailed out on me, you offered your couch and livingroom.
Thanks man. You saved me a lot of grief.
7. Making me feel sexy.
Part of me is super feminine, and no matter how I try to hide it, it comes out at vulnerable times.
You made me feel so attractive, to which I must find in myself.
8. Cuddling.
I need touch. I dont (and never did) get enough. I adored snuggling.
9. Being crazy.
I have yet to work at a place where I'm not the weirdo.
Sometimes, you matched the craziness I impose on the world, which really does alot for me.
10. Accepting me into your life.
Even though this relationship turned into a shit show, and had always been illicit, I would have kicked myself in the ass if I didnt enter in it.
You were (and still are) an amazing woman. You're dishonest, self absorbed and narrcisistic, but you're also caring, beautiful and showed a girl a good time.
I'll miss you.
Yeah..I dont want to either.
But she had a point in singing about how her recent breakup changed her, and how she became a better person for it.
It's hard for me not to feel hurt and alone these days, but to counter those feelings, I want to write out a list saying Thank You to my ex:
Snezhana Bavykina, Thank You For:
1. Taking care of me when I was sick.
I get sick alot and my periods are just hell. Thank you for bringing me water, pain meds, and an occasional fluffy ferret to ease the cramps.
2. Bringing me Flowers.
Yes, I know both times were out of guilt, but still, I love flowers. I'm a sucker for romantic crap like that, and my (un)birthday was great. Even if it was all just a guilt thing.
3. Holding my hand in public.
Again, not sure if this was more just an attention thing, but it still felt nice for a girl not to be (visibly) ashamed to be with me. In Calgary, that would never happen.
4. Showing me how much crap I put up with.
Holy christ! I MUST get more respect for myself!
5. Making me feel warm and loved.
Even if it was a short period of time.
6. Letting me into your home when you barely knew me.
Okay, 2011 was a bum year. I didnt have my own room until the beginning of 2012.
I was living with some not-so-nice people I thought were my friends, and after the third potential roommate bailed out on me, you offered your couch and livingroom.
Thanks man. You saved me a lot of grief.
7. Making me feel sexy.
Part of me is super feminine, and no matter how I try to hide it, it comes out at vulnerable times.
You made me feel so attractive, to which I must find in myself.
8. Cuddling.
I need touch. I dont (and never did) get enough. I adored snuggling.
9. Being crazy.
I have yet to work at a place where I'm not the weirdo.
Sometimes, you matched the craziness I impose on the world, which really does alot for me.
10. Accepting me into your life.
Even though this relationship turned into a shit show, and had always been illicit, I would have kicked myself in the ass if I didnt enter in it.
You were (and still are) an amazing woman. You're dishonest, self absorbed and narrcisistic, but you're also caring, beautiful and showed a girl a good time.
I'll miss you.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
6-June-12
Well, it's finally happened.
I've broken up with Snezhana Bavykina.
It was one of those relationships where everyone said it wouldnt last, but I was too busy being a girlfriend to really examine my self worth.
We have broken up four times before, but this morning was the deal breaker.
Last week, I moved out of the two-bedroom myself, her, and her boyfriend (will explain more) had rented, and had gotten myself a bachelor.
She was pretty torn up about that, but I had to do it. I had to get out of there.
Snezhana and I met at work last year. June or July of 2011 to be precise.
I was living with my two friends I knew in Calgary, and things werent going so great.
(Too many people for a small space. Ouch!)
The minute I met her, I thought she was the hottest piece of ass in the workplace.
I began using that as a reason to go to work, since I decided early on I didnt like my job.
We began talking to each other in the short spirts of free time we had.
She'd mention her controlling, jealous, jerk-of-a-boyfriend and how she thought she was fat
(Sound familure? *coughCLAIREcough!*).
We'd talk about music, Russia (from where she immigrated several years ago), and general crap.
Things started getting pretty close, and we both found ourselves talking and texting for hours.
Thats how I know I like a chick. I spend a bajillion hours on the phone/computer with her.
Eventually, we both developed feelings for each other.
Once we finally confessed to each other our feelings, we suddenly began making out.
All whilst we both knew she had a boyfriend.
He started out as being really nice to me, but eventually found out (as in, walked in on us during sex), and then began to view me as the Devil.
He suggested watching us have sex. I flat out refused, to which she eventually followed.
RED SIGN #1.
Their relationship would go on it's ups and downs, as ours would.
The boy and I were always at wit's ends with each other. Ultimately, we both concluded she was using both of us and enjoyed our rivalry over her.
Except neither of us wanted to leave.
Now, in my opinion, he sucked as a boyfriend. He's lazy, ugly, mysogenistic, mentally unstable...
The list went on.
I'm no angel, but on a scale of one to I dont fucking deserve this crap, I sold myself short.
She would tell me she would leave him for me. Then tell him the same thing (reversed, of course).
Things were always pretty shaky, till eventually, I got tired of her deceit and moved out.
I didnt stop seeing her though, until yesterday morning.
I made my way over to our old place, where the two had been packing up to move.
She told me that she couldnt hurt him anymore, that she still cared for me very much, but things were just getting ridiculous.
Like every normal human being, I started to cry and yell at her.
She was in the right for ending our affair, but for all the wrong reasons.
Her relationship with him is broken. Through me, she discovered she hated sleeping with men, and that she wanted to spend her life with girls. Or so she told me. Who knows.
Yes, the whole world would tell me I deserved what I got; being the "mistress" as such, but no matter how much you rationalize something, it still hurts.
She will continue on with that stupid relationship because she is afraid of herself, and society.
It is pretty sad, but most people would rather take the easy way out of something, than to confront their most inner-fears: Themselves.
Well, I sat, slept, and cried alone in my apartment.
I've realized I dont have any close friends I can go hang out with, I have horrible self esteem, and that I've been wasting my good looks on unavailable women.
Time to change that.
I've broken up with Snezhana Bavykina.
It was one of those relationships where everyone said it wouldnt last, but I was too busy being a girlfriend to really examine my self worth.
We have broken up four times before, but this morning was the deal breaker.
Last week, I moved out of the two-bedroom myself, her, and her boyfriend (will explain more) had rented, and had gotten myself a bachelor.
She was pretty torn up about that, but I had to do it. I had to get out of there.
Snezhana and I met at work last year. June or July of 2011 to be precise.
I was living with my two friends I knew in Calgary, and things werent going so great.
(Too many people for a small space. Ouch!)
The minute I met her, I thought she was the hottest piece of ass in the workplace.
I began using that as a reason to go to work, since I decided early on I didnt like my job.
We began talking to each other in the short spirts of free time we had.
She'd mention her controlling, jealous, jerk-of-a-boyfriend and how she thought she was fat
(Sound familure? *coughCLAIREcough!*).
We'd talk about music, Russia (from where she immigrated several years ago), and general crap.
Things started getting pretty close, and we both found ourselves talking and texting for hours.
Thats how I know I like a chick. I spend a bajillion hours on the phone/computer with her.
Eventually, we both developed feelings for each other.
Once we finally confessed to each other our feelings, we suddenly began making out.
All whilst we both knew she had a boyfriend.
He started out as being really nice to me, but eventually found out (as in, walked in on us during sex), and then began to view me as the Devil.
He suggested watching us have sex. I flat out refused, to which she eventually followed.
RED SIGN #1.
Their relationship would go on it's ups and downs, as ours would.
The boy and I were always at wit's ends with each other. Ultimately, we both concluded she was using both of us and enjoyed our rivalry over her.
Except neither of us wanted to leave.
Now, in my opinion, he sucked as a boyfriend. He's lazy, ugly, mysogenistic, mentally unstable...
The list went on.
I'm no angel, but on a scale of one to I dont fucking deserve this crap, I sold myself short.
She would tell me she would leave him for me. Then tell him the same thing (reversed, of course).
Things were always pretty shaky, till eventually, I got tired of her deceit and moved out.
I didnt stop seeing her though, until yesterday morning.
I made my way over to our old place, where the two had been packing up to move.
She told me that she couldnt hurt him anymore, that she still cared for me very much, but things were just getting ridiculous.
Like every normal human being, I started to cry and yell at her.
She was in the right for ending our affair, but for all the wrong reasons.
Her relationship with him is broken. Through me, she discovered she hated sleeping with men, and that she wanted to spend her life with girls. Or so she told me. Who knows.
Yes, the whole world would tell me I deserved what I got; being the "mistress" as such, but no matter how much you rationalize something, it still hurts.
She will continue on with that stupid relationship because she is afraid of herself, and society.
It is pretty sad, but most people would rather take the easy way out of something, than to confront their most inner-fears: Themselves.
Well, I sat, slept, and cried alone in my apartment.
I've realized I dont have any close friends I can go hang out with, I have horrible self esteem, and that I've been wasting my good looks on unavailable women.
Time to change that.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Talking to Yan
Dear Yan
Dont ever get involved with a taken woman again.
No matter how much they say they love you.
What Snezhana wrote hurt. Alot. Like, "you're still thinking about it 24 hrs later" hurt.
Its good you realized that you had to leave. Otherwise, you'd just keep going back.
You dont deserve that. She doesnt deserve you.
You've been through too much hell and High Water to put up with this shit.
It's going to hurt. Alot.
You're feel like puking, crying, sleeping ALOT, and the rest of the wonderful crap which comes with depression.
But hey, you've done it before. You can do it again.
It'll be a rocky start in Toronto, but it's somewhere.
Take Care!
PS. Anytime a woman suggests using that Neutrogenia Hair stuff, RUN.
Dont ever get involved with a taken woman again.
No matter how much they say they love you.
What Snezhana wrote hurt. Alot. Like, "you're still thinking about it 24 hrs later" hurt.
Its good you realized that you had to leave. Otherwise, you'd just keep going back.
You dont deserve that. She doesnt deserve you.
You've been through too much hell and High Water to put up with this shit.
It's going to hurt. Alot.
You're feel like puking, crying, sleeping ALOT, and the rest of the wonderful crap which comes with depression.
But hey, you've done it before. You can do it again.
It'll be a rocky start in Toronto, but it's somewhere.
Take Care!
PS. Anytime a woman suggests using that Neutrogenia Hair stuff, RUN.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Grandma's Funeral pt.1
It's going to be very difficult for me to attend my Grandmother's funeral.
1. I'm not getting the day off.
See, it would be easy enough to call in sick, but I work Graveyards.
My work days span two days in general. If her funeral is May 13, it means I have to take both the 12th and 13th off. Impossible, concidering I am one of five staff members on Graves.
2. Even if I could book it off, my family will be there. Yep. All of them.
They're making this entire self righteous row out of the whole absence situation.
People, I have tried everything I can. Booking it off? No dice.
Getting someone to cover two grave shifts? HA!
My sister especially believes I've set the entire situation up to avoid seeing my folks.
Yeah...Cause people dont have jobs to go to or anything, Sister dear..
I was given 3 days berievement leave, which I took when we were supposed to bury her!
Now there's an entire line of "Well, if you really loved Grandma, you'd make it".
Uh, bitch please!
I loved my Grandmother like the Amish love dinner rolls. You dont have to be an idiot to sense that.
The trouble is, my Siblings (though both in their twenties) still live at home.
They dont see how important my job is because they're in a position where they're already taken care of. Employment to them isnt a big deal. Rent and bills? Nah. Fuck that!
Food? Dad'll take care of that!
Though they're both employed, both of them work less than 20 hrs per week, at entry level positions.
Hard work and self sufficency just dont come to mind with these guys.
Myself?
I'm in another province, working full time, shelling out approx. $750 a month for rent and food. [Also trying to save up for school.]
Yes, the funeral is one day.
I dont want to work ten hours, only to fall asleep at the funeral the next day, and to return to Vancouver where I have to work another ten hours with no sleep from the previous day.
I'm angry because everyone decided to have it on the Sunday without my imput. I mean, yes, it doesnt revolve around me...20 to 1 is a steep ratio. But I've been on the same schedule for a year now. They should at least avoid a shit fit when they know I work Weekends. In Vancouver. Away from Surrey.
It all boils down to this: My family has this core belief that you absolutely must drop everything in your life and run to them when something happens. If one of my parents are dying, hellz yeah!
But anything else? Sorry. Take a number.
I'm the only one of Gord's children who left the house. I got shit to do.
1. I'm not getting the day off.
See, it would be easy enough to call in sick, but I work Graveyards.
My work days span two days in general. If her funeral is May 13, it means I have to take both the 12th and 13th off. Impossible, concidering I am one of five staff members on Graves.
2. Even if I could book it off, my family will be there. Yep. All of them.
They're making this entire self righteous row out of the whole absence situation.
People, I have tried everything I can. Booking it off? No dice.
Getting someone to cover two grave shifts? HA!
My sister especially believes I've set the entire situation up to avoid seeing my folks.
Yeah...Cause people dont have jobs to go to or anything, Sister dear..
I was given 3 days berievement leave, which I took when we were supposed to bury her!
Now there's an entire line of "Well, if you really loved Grandma, you'd make it".
Uh, bitch please!
I loved my Grandmother like the Amish love dinner rolls. You dont have to be an idiot to sense that.
The trouble is, my Siblings (though both in their twenties) still live at home.
They dont see how important my job is because they're in a position where they're already taken care of. Employment to them isnt a big deal. Rent and bills? Nah. Fuck that!
Food? Dad'll take care of that!
Though they're both employed, both of them work less than 20 hrs per week, at entry level positions.
Hard work and self sufficency just dont come to mind with these guys.
Myself?
I'm in another province, working full time, shelling out approx. $750 a month for rent and food. [Also trying to save up for school.]
Yes, the funeral is one day.
I dont want to work ten hours, only to fall asleep at the funeral the next day, and to return to Vancouver where I have to work another ten hours with no sleep from the previous day.
I'm angry because everyone decided to have it on the Sunday without my imput. I mean, yes, it doesnt revolve around me...20 to 1 is a steep ratio. But I've been on the same schedule for a year now. They should at least avoid a shit fit when they know I work Weekends. In Vancouver. Away from Surrey.
It all boils down to this: My family has this core belief that you absolutely must drop everything in your life and run to them when something happens. If one of my parents are dying, hellz yeah!
But anything else? Sorry. Take a number.
I'm the only one of Gord's children who left the house. I got shit to do.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
:(
The hardest part of breaking up is that awkward three days before it happens. Officially, anyways.
You know.
When the other person suddenly stops speaking to you. Stops kissing you. Stops cuddling.
You're left to feel cold.
You're wondering what you've done wrong. Thoughts swirl around in your head.
You cry. Whatever.
It just happens. You didnt do anything wrong. It just didnt work out.
This person isnt for you.
But hell, it hurts. A lot.
You know.
When the other person suddenly stops speaking to you. Stops kissing you. Stops cuddling.
You're left to feel cold.
You're wondering what you've done wrong. Thoughts swirl around in your head.
You cry. Whatever.
It just happens. You didnt do anything wrong. It just didnt work out.
This person isnt for you.
But hell, it hurts. A lot.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Better Off Alone
God..
I'm tired and cold as fuck, but incredibly emotionless.
I dont even know why I'm still here.
It's dead.
It is.
I fell for the same fucking trick I always fall for.
Strung along.
Again.
I'm tired and cold as fuck, but incredibly emotionless.
I dont even know why I'm still here.
It's dead.
It is.
I fell for the same fucking trick I always fall for.
Strung along.
Again.
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