Talking to Yan

Dear Yan

Dont ever get involved with a taken woman again.
No matter how much they say they love you.
What Snezhana wrote hurt. Alot. Like, "you're still thinking about it 24 hrs later" hurt.
Its good you realized that you had to leave. Otherwise, you'd just keep going back.
You dont deserve that. She doesnt deserve you.
You've been through too much hell and High Water to put up with this shit.
It's going to hurt. Alot.
You're feel like puking, crying, sleeping ALOT, and the rest of the wonderful crap which comes with depression.
But hey, you've done it before. You can do it again.
It'll be a rocky start in Toronto, but it's somewhere.
Take Care!
PS. Anytime a woman suggests using that Neutrogenia Hair stuff, RUN.

Grandma's Funeral pt.1

It's going to be very difficult for me to attend my Grandmother's funeral.
1. I'm not getting the day off.
See, it would be easy enough to call in sick, but I work Graveyards.
My work days span two days in general. If her funeral is May 13, it means I have to take both the 12th and 13th off. Impossible, concidering I am one of five staff members on Graves.
2. Even if I could book it off, my family will be there. Yep. All of them.
They're making this entire self righteous row out of the whole absence situation.
People, I have tried everything I can. Booking it off? No dice.
Getting someone to cover two grave shifts? HA!
My sister especially believes I've set the entire situation up to avoid seeing my folks.
Yeah...Cause people dont have jobs to go to or anything, Sister dear..
I was given 3 days berievement leave, which I took when we were supposed to bury her!
Now there's an entire line of "Well, if you really loved Grandma, you'd make it".
Uh, bitch please!
I loved my Grandmother like the Amish love dinner rolls. You dont have to be an idiot to sense that.

The trouble is, my Siblings (though both in their twenties) still live at home.
They dont see how important my job is because they're in a position where they're already taken care of. Employment to them isnt a big deal. Rent and bills? Nah. Fuck that!
Food? Dad'll take care of that!
Though they're both employed, both of them work less than 20 hrs per week, at entry level positions.
Hard work and self sufficency just dont come to mind with these guys.
Myself?
I'm in another province, working full time, shelling out approx. $750 a month for rent and food. [Also trying to save up for school.]

Yes, the funeral is one day.
I dont want to work ten hours, only to fall asleep at the funeral the next day, and to return to Vancouver where I have to work another ten hours with no sleep from the previous day.
I'm angry because everyone decided to have it on the Sunday without my imput. I mean, yes, it doesnt revolve around me...20 to 1 is a steep ratio. But I've been on the same schedule for a year now. They should at least avoid a shit fit when they know I work Weekends. In Vancouver. Away from Surrey.

It all boils down to this: My family has this core belief that you absolutely must drop everything in your life and run to them when something happens. If one of my parents are dying, hellz yeah!
But anything else? Sorry. Take a number.
I'm the only one of Gord's children who left the house. I got shit to do.

:(

The hardest part of breaking up is that awkward three days before it happens. Officially, anyways.
You know.
When the other person suddenly stops speaking to you. Stops kissing you. Stops cuddling.
You're left to feel cold.
You're wondering what you've done wrong. Thoughts swirl around in your head.
You cry. Whatever.
It just happens. You didnt do anything wrong. It just didnt work out.
This person isnt for you.
But hell, it hurts. A lot.

Better Off Alone

God..
I'm tired and cold as fuck, but incredibly emotionless.
I dont even know why I'm still here.
It's dead.
It is.
I fell for the same fucking trick I always fall for.
Strung along.
Again.

17-APR-12

Why is the LGBT community this decade's targeted witch hunt?
In the US, two running parties base every last breath on their hatred for anything to do with Homosexuality.
You know what else is forbidden in the Bible?
Women.
Sex.
Freedom.
Free though.
Anything.
It effects me deeply.
I hate reading about how I have no right to even live, breath, or lead some semi-normal functioning life because I like girls.
I love women.
Their skin. Their hair. Their breasts. Their legs.
Women are much more fun than guys in bed.
Me trying to fuck a guy is like a penguin trying to fuck a tree.
How does my sexuality affect how I work at my job (I hate..)?
Or how I eat?
Does an Indonesian Island experience an Earthquake every time I fuck a girl?

10 APR 12

I put in my two weeks yesterday.
Things over all just suck.
They can make or break my year.

The girlfriend?
Is she even calling me her girlfriend? Or am I the "best friend" or "Roommate" again?
...............Is there a point to me even pursuading this girl?
I want to be in love. So bad.
She keeps trying to tell me something, but she swallows her words and goes into run-along jokes which really pisses me off sometimes.
Mochten mir verbinden.
Mochte ich liebe.
Wollen mir liebe.

Shove it where?

I want a new job.
It's beyond obvious I suck at mine.
In fact, I'm pretty sure the only reason they're keeping me is because I dont steal things and I'm one of the very few people in Vancouver awake at 3AM and not on drugs.

I'm one of the smallest merchandisers in the store, therefore putting me at a disadvantage of moving heavy things.
I'm also bored sick out of my mind.
I hate every job I have. It's not that I hate working; something inside me just doesnt want to comply or 'grow up'.

I lost about nine years of my life to a drug addiction, so most of the time, my little teenage ass was either in a detox facility, or Juvie.
We always complied to whatever we were set to do.
Whether it be cleaning, taking classes, or generally trying not to fuck up.
Upon getting my first job out of lock up, I was incredibly loyal.
That loyalty was betrayed. The higher ups played on my fears and low self-esteem to manipulate my availability.
In the end, I was the one who ended up in the hospital.

SO NOW I work in a Drugstore.
Trying to find some way to get my act together without falling apart.

100%

There arent enough open lesbians in pulp culture these days.
I'm 23 now, and in all my years, I've maybe met TWO 100% lesbian chicks.
Both are indeed butch.

I know about twenty bisexual chicks. Hey, nothing wrong with bisexuality or anything..
But hell, I feel so damn alone.
Where are all the beautiful lesbians?
Just for a damn minute, I'd grow absolutely smitten if I had met a chick who was feminine and didnt mention even once about "how hot that guy is".
In this day and age, millions of chicks pretend to like the cooch in order to garner attention. Riding cock was never a favorite passtime for me. It's funny how a chick who claims to be bisexual is praised in media, while lesbians are shunned/feared like a plague. Except in porn. Because everyone knows it's not really that bad if the female homosexuals are having sex on paper.
I personally cant stand attention, and would rather give these women a swift booted kick in the ass.
Really.
I cant stand it.
You're telling me that in a city such as Vancouver, there are absolutely NO feminine women in their early twenties who are gay?
Cock-free for me.

Maryjane

I dont understand marijuana.
What's the point?

Living in Vancouver, I'm no stranger to "420" or any of that shit. Hell, I was a teenager once.
But you've got people in their 30's with kids waltzing down the street stoned out of their minds.
Well, least I can meet my chocolate selling quota.

The stuff smells terrible, usually leaves people completely useless, and is often just a giant money drain.
I never understood my friend's logic for smoking the shit.
"It relaxes me".
Uh. Ok. What about when you arent doing anything?
What do you possibly have to be *that* stressed about?!
"I have insert disease here and the doctors wanna put me on bad medication!"
Yup. Nothing shady about shit grown with 40 chemicals in some guy's basement.
"It's natural!"
(Read above).
"It helps me socialize with people".
Hey loser. If you cant talk to people in a normal headspace, either find some different friends, or learn to quit being an anti-social retard. I'm sure we all wanna hear about re-runs of Robot Chicken with you giggling like an idiot for an hour. And stay out of my food!
"You just dont like it 'cause you've been brainwashed by the conservatives and your Dad's a cop!"
If anyone knew what a bitchy, loud, opinionated woman I really was, I'm sure my Father's profession would have nothing to do with the fact I find you irritating and boring when you're stoned.

Another little known loveliness: Marijuana can cause schizophrenia in people.
I've seen it happen with three friends.
People just dont know when they've had enough.